Why is My Life a Secret?
by alexlovesgerard93
Summary: FIRST EVER SLAT PARODY! A spoof of the romance drama that airs ABC Family every Monday night at eight. The show is lovable and cute, but incredibly cliche. I spoof that! If you're fans of the show, don't view this as an insult, cause I'm a fan too!
1. This one time at band camp

**I'm inspired by various other spoofs on this website we love to call ! I simply love this show, but everyone's GOT to admit it. It's so cliché! I shall break a record by writing the first ever Secret Life of the American Teenager Parody!**

**Everyone: HURRAH!**

**Love, Alex**

**Why is My Life a Secret?**

**Amy: **Lalala! Even though I'm pregnant and ready to give birth to Ricky's baby, I'm going to go out with Ben, some random nice guy who told me he loved me fifteen minutes after he met me!

**Ben: **That's right! I love girls who give birth to other men's babies! For I am **Benjamin**!

**Random music whenever Ben says 'For I am Benjamin!' for he is Benjamin!**

**Ricky: **Where'd that music come from?

**Ben:** (GASP) It is the father of my woman's child! I shall get angry at you for no apparent reason because we've never really had a conversation on the show! For I am **Benjamin**!

**Ricky: **WHERE DOES THAT MUSIC COME FROM?

**Amy: **Oh no! It's the father of my baby!

**Ricky: **Since when is that a bad thing?

**Amy: **WELL…this one time at band camp…

**Ben:** I think the writer of the script has a SERIOUS obsession with 'American Pie', because apparently, everything happens at band camp!

**Ricky:** Nah, we're just the typical result of what happens at band camp when you forget to use a condom.

**All:** Remember kids, don't forget to use Trojan Condoms before each time you DO IT!

**Amy:** Yeah! Like that one time at band camp…

**All:** We know! You got knocked up!

**Ricky:** Follow what Adrian does, she buys a monthly pack!

**Ben:** No! I'm too young to discuss sex! I'm also the only character on the show that doesn't seem to have an obsession with getting laid!

**Ashley:** I have condoms.

**Ben:** WHOA! Where'd you come from?

**Ashley:** I seem to be involved in the majority of the awkward scenes on SLAT.

**Ben:** OMG! We have so much in common! We should go get together, for I am **Benjamin!**

**Ashley:** Sure, whatever. You and I are the only virgins on this show.

**Amy:** What about Grace?

**Ricky:** Well since this show portrays me as a womanizing jerk, I'll probably woo her into bed eventually, because every show will show you that she's definitely not going to do it, but she'll end up doing it anyways!

**All:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Ricky:** But then I'll realize what I'm doing is wrong and I'm probably falling in love with her and she'll stay pure!

**All:** HURRAY!

**Amy:** It would suck if grace were gone.

**Ben:** Am I the only person who finds that sentence ironic?

**Ashley:** Yeah, for you are** Benjamin**!

**Ben:** Hey only I get to say that! For I am **Benjamin!**

**Ashley:** Wanna go make out even though you're in love with my sister?

**Ben:** Why not? It'll never happen on the show since I tend to be pretty clingy yet have everyone including the writer love me!

**Alexlovesgerard93:** Yo, I'm waiting on Ricky!

**Ricky:** Yes, one more woman!

**Alexlovesgerard93:** NO! I CREATED YOU AND I CAN DESTROY YOU!

**Ricky:** Noooooooooooo!

**Alexlovesgerard93:** Just kidding! Back to the drawing board!

**Awkward silence.**

**Ben:** Let's go, Ashley! For I am **Benjamin!**

**Ben and Ashley run away together. Amy cries.**

**Amy:** Boo hoo! Now I'll be forced to get together with you even though the creators of the show have made it perfectly clear I'm DESTINED to be with Ben!

**Ricky:** Uh….yeah…about that…got to go!

**Ricky runs away. Amy stares at screen.**

**Amy:** You still love me, right? Good, cause this one time at band camp…

**LJFLKDJFLDKFJDLKFJDLFKJDF**

**I really hope I didn't insult Ben/Amy or Ricky/Amy fans! I'm a Ben/Amy fan myself, but I don't like Ricky/Amy together! Like I said, this is a spoof. I may or may not continue it. Tell me what you thought.**


	2. Jack is worse then Ricky

Woot

Woot! I liked the positive reviews I got for the last chapter! I shall continue! Love, Alex!

**Why is My Life a Secret?**

**Narrator: **Last week on the Secret Life of the American Teenager…

**Amy: **Why is my life a secret?

**Grace: **What if you're Australian?

**Ben: **For I am **Benjamin!**

**Narrator: **Guys, we're supposed to be talking about what happened last week!

**All: **Sorry.

**Narrator: **Okay, previously on the Secret Life of the American Teenager.

**Jack: **You're tearing me apart!

**Narrator: **Jack, hate to break it to you, but you weren't on last week's show and that line belonged to James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause.

**Jack: **Aww man.

**Ricky: **He doesn't seem to be on any of the episodes anymore.

**Jack: **You know what, Ricky? SHUT UP!

**Ricky: **What did I do?

**Jack: **Just shut up!

**Ben: **I hope you realize the only reason he's picking on you is cause he's going to end up all alone on the show and you're going to have Grace or Adrian or something.

**Jack: **Christ, Ben, shut up!

**Ben: **This is the first time we've ever had a conversation.

**Grace: **Jack, how could you?

**Jack: **Oh, great. Even though I keep trying to get back together with Grace, I feel the need in my heart to act like a heartless whore whenever she's around.

**All: **WORSE THEN RICKY!

**Ricky: **My reputation's at risk??

**All: **WORSE THEN RICKY!

**Ricky: **I REALLY resent that.

**All: **WORSE THEN RICKY!

**Ricky: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Ricky goes insane and kills everyone but Ben.

**Ben: **(long stare)

**Ricky: **Hey, Ben, since I'll have sex with anything that moves, want to go at it?

**Ben: **Sorry, man, but I'm the only character that's going to stay a virgin until the season finale and then I'll probably do it with Amy and she'll get pregnant again.

**Ricky: **Suit yourself. Hey, Narrator, let's go.

**Narrator: **What the hell? I'm losing this job anyways.

Narrator skips off with Ricky. Ben stares at screen.

**Ben: **Well, someone's got to do it. Previously on the Secret Life of the American Teenager…

**Amy: **(coming back from the dead) WHY IS MY LIFE A SECRET?

**Grace: **WHAT IF YOU'RE AUSTRALIAN??


	3. Same pizza place

**UPDATE TIME! YEAAAAAAAH! **

**Why is My Life a Secret?**

**Pizza Guy: **Good golly, it seems like everyone in this town ordered pizza.

**Grace and Adrian: **We picked some up.

**Tom: **I ordered one large pizza and a stripper.

**Grace: **SIN! (faints)

**Ricky: **I picked up pizza and went to Adrian's place, but ended up eating it with Lauren.

**Lauren: **I WAS USED??

**All: **YES, YOU WHORE! YOU DON'T MAKE OUT WITH A GUY WHO GOT YOUR BEST FRIEND PREGNANT! ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING?

**Lauren: **I think I just lost fans…

**Mr. Bokeywich: **I picked up pizza and went to go talk to Anne, Amy's mom, and we ate the pizza.

**George (Amy's Dad): **Amy, Ashley, Henry, and Ben were with me, because Ben picked up the pizza.

**Jack: **Wait! This isn't fair! I DIDN'T GET PIZZA!

**Pizza Guy: **If you buy one now, we'll be rich!

**Jack: **OKAY!

**Pizza Guy: **SUCKERS! (runs away with money)

**Narrator: **Tonight on the Secret Life of the American Teenager, the writer of the script had a very big pizza craving. I mean, NO ONE ate a burger.

**Alexlovesgerard93: **I did!

**Narrator: **Get out of here! You're not a part of the show!

**Alexlovesgerard93: **Everyone is so mean to me! (is shunned)

**Ricky: **It's been proved that I can seduce someone with pizza!

**All: **Hurray!

**Alice: **Wait…I didn't get pizza.

**Jack: **Let's go walk down the hallway together randomly so everyone thinks we're together!

(It's true! In the preview for Sept. 2's episode it shows Jack and Alice walking in the hallway together! Strange…)

**Alice: **Okay!

**Henry: **NOOOOO! Now I'll be forced to talk to my best friend's girlfriend's sister!

**Ashley: **I have condoms.

**Amy: **Ashley, no! Don't be fooled! Because, this one time at band camp…

**Grace: **Since I am innocent and naïve, I'm going to go talk to Ricky…in my room…

**Ricky: **I'm starting to like this story…

**Grace: **…on my bed…

**Ricky: **o.O

**Grace: **…with the lights off…

**Ricky: **(drool)

**Grace: **…under the covers…

**Ricky: **OHH!

**Grace: **So I can show you my brand new glow in the dark watch!

**Ben: **OH COOL! I have one!

**Grace: **YEAH! High five!

**Ricky: **So close...I was so close...

**Pizza Guy: **Umm…is it the next episode yet? We want more money…


	4. Gothic Girl vs Honey Momma

Okay, this is my take on how Anne would react when she finally snaps with Ashley

Okay, this is my take on how Anne would react when she finally snaps with Ashley. I love Ashley, but she can be so obnoxious. Why'd you want your cheating father back? Gosh!

**Why is My Life a Secret?**

**Ashley: **Excuse me for not telling you about your broken marriage.

**Anne: **At least I'm not a pre-teen who goes around wearing a halter top and a mini skirt, acting like a teenage hooker!

**Ashley: **What's wrong with the way I dress?

**Anne: **If Gossip Girl had an opposite, you'd be Gothic Girl.

**Ashley: **So what? At least my husband's not as unhappy with me to the point that he has to cheat on me with another woman.

**Anne: **You little bitch, take that back! (choking)

**Narrator: **As we watch SLAT World Wrestling, we notice Honey Momma take Gothic Girl and flip her over! OH! Gothic Girl has the chair! THE CHAIR! WATCH OUT FOR THE CHAIR!

**All: **OHHHHHH!

**Narrator: **Honey Momma looks like she's taken quite a beating, no wait, she's standing up, there's a hammer! THE HAMMER!

**All: **YOW!

**Narrator: **This is getting a bit bloody. Wait, what are they doing? Ben, what are they doing? Pulling each other's hair? I've never seen that before in SLATWW! This is a new move!

**All: **OMG!

**Narrator: **It seems that Honey Momma has lost her wig! Gothic Girl has it, she's shaking it like a trophy! OH AND SHE'S TACKLED!

Ricky (as the Referee): 1, 2, 3, 4…

All: 5, RICKY, 5!

Ricky: 5…uh…6…9…

All: GRRR! 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!

Ricky: Gothic Girl is out! Honey Momma is the winner!

All: HURRAH!

Anne and Ashley fix their hair.

Ashley: Fine, I won't wear mini skirts and halter-tops anymore…

Anne: Thanks, sweetie.


	5. Shakespearean Life

I'm tired of people wanting Ben and Grace to get together in order for Ricky/Amy to happen

I'm tired of people wanting Ben and Grace to get together in order for Ricky/Amy to happen. Ricky/Amy is okay, I never shipped it, cause they're OPPOSITES. Ben/Grace is pushing it, though. It's like, 'hey, you two are left alone, go make out.' Haha. But whatever, that's my opinion. This is just for laughs. A conversation between Ben and Grace. They've never really talked…

**Why is My Life a Secret?**

**Grace: **Hi, Ben. Want to come over to my house later to have dinner?

**Ben: **Of course, Grace. I can't stand being apart from you now and will attach myself at your hip.

**Grace: **Uh…okay…

**Ben: **Grace? I have something to say.

**Grace: **What is it, Ben?

**Ben: **I…love…you.

**Grace: **I'm not sure if I love you just yet, Ben. I mean we've only been talking for a few minutes.

**Ben: **You broke my heart, but I still love you! For I am **Benjamin!**

**Grace: **Ben…I DON'T love you.

**Ben: **Now, Grace, you are my woman. I know you love me too. This is just a phase.

**Grace: **I'm sorry, Ben. I don't love you.

**Ben: **Ah, lover. Paris awaits us.

**Grace: **DUDE! I DON'T LOVE YOU!

**Ben: **Hush, darling, hush. It takes only a few moments. For I am **Benjamin!**

**Grace: **GODDAMN IT! I DON'T LOVE YOU, YOU CRAZY OBSESSED STALKER!

**Ben: **(sniffle)

**Grace: **I'm sorry, Ben. I don't know why I said that. Can you forgive me?

**Ben: **(grabs Grace) I knew you'd come around. (LIP LOCK)

**Grace: **AAAAAAAAA! HELP!!

**Ricky: **Fear not, Ricky is here!

**Grace: **My hero!

**Ricky: **My darling!

**Ben: **MY WOMAN! (tackle!)

**Grace: **(GASP) O.O Oh no, my true love!

**Ricky: **I will die to save thou, oh fair maid!

**Grace: **No, I canst live without thou, darling man!

**Amy: **What the hell is this? The Shakespearean Life of the British Teenager?

**Ben: **Oooh, pregnant lady! I MUST LOVE YOU!

**Amy: **Uh oh…

**Ben: **(TACKLE)

**Ricky: **Whew, now that that's over. (kisses Grace)

**Grace: **My true love…

**Narrator: **Next on 'My Super Sweet Sixteen'!

**Hysterical Girl: **NO! IT MUST BE PERFECT! I WANT JONAS BROTHERS!

**Sobbing Mother: **We can barely afford plates!

**Hysterical Girl: **WAHHH YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!

**Jack: **Wrong show, wrong show, wrong show!

**Ricky: **Wrong channel too.

**Jack: **SHUT UP RICKY!

**Ricky: **DUDE!


	6. Let's make more babies!

Hey, awesome people

Hey, awesome people! I want to say thank you for all the good reviews! I'm going to use DramaQueen1316's idea for doing a spoof on Ricky/Amy. DramaQueen1316, this is for you!

**Love, Alex**

**Why is My Life a Secret?**

**Narrator: **As Amy's relationship with Ben comes crashing down…

**Ben: **Amy, we can't be together because you're not pregnant anymore.

**Amy: **What? (sniffle)

**Narrator: **…Ricky is there to pick up the pieces.

**Ricky: **Amy, everything's going to be all right.

**Amy: **How can someone so negative say something like that?

**Ricky: **I've been hanging with Grace, Ms. Optimistic for the past few weeks. It rubbed off on me.

**Amy: **Do you really think I'll be okay?

**Ricky: **Of course, Amy. The baby has great parents, you and me.

**Amy: **Are you out of your freaking mind? We're only fifteen!

**Ricky: **We can get married!

**Amy: **It didn't work for Ben, it's not going to work for you.

**Ricky: **But…but…I thought what we had was special!

**Amy: **A one night stand at band camp really does add up all the good times, huh?

**Ricky: **(cough) No. (cough)

**Amy: **What's that?

**Ricky: **Uh…I mean…you and I make the world go round! We made a baby, let's make more!

**Amy: **O.o

**Ricky: **Think of how beautiful our children will be!

**Amy: **That's right! We can continue the uneasy pattern about how emotionally unstable teenage parents come out to be!

**Ricky: **Yes! And how in 5 more years, we won't even want to be in the same room as each other anymore!

**Amy: **And after I have the baby, you'll probably sleep around some more and I'll have to divorce you!

**Ricky: **You might even get a restraining order!

**Both: **Life is sweet!

**All: **WTF?

**Amy: **The true love between two people, a one night stand, and an ugly baby can amount to greatness!

**Ricky: **HIP HIP!

**All: **Boo!

**Ricky: **HIP HIP!

**All: **Boo!

**Ricky: **HIP HIP!

**Ben: **YOU SUCK!


	7. Ricky seduced me for a phone number!

**I should be writing an English essay right now, but it's not do until the day after tomorrow and I'll get started after I finish this chapter for my fans! Who else thinks that fight between Madison and Lauren was beyond useless to the show? Aww Ricky's so cute, I don't care if he got my best friend pregnant, let me compete with my other best friend for him because all he wants to do is get me in bed! LAME!**

**Love, Alex**

**Why is My Life a Secret?**

**Madison: **Ricky tried to seduce me!

**Lauren: **In the middle of the school day? That's new.

**Madison: **Want to know what he did?

**Lauren: **What?

**Madison: **He asked me for Amy's phone number.

**Lauren: **Yeah, he was so close to getting you in bed!

**Madison: **I know!

**Lauren: **But why would you want to be with him anyways? He got Amy pregnant!

**Madison: **I don't care. I'm just reading my lines and getting paid for it.

**Lauren: **I bet I can get Ricky before you can.

**Madison: **Want to bet?

**Lauren: **I just bet, Madison.

**Madison: **HELLO! I said, 'Want to bet?'

**Lauren: **(sigh) Yes.

**Madison: **Ricky, do you like me? I'm a red head!

**Ricky: **I like some fire in my life.

**Lauren: **Ricky, do you like me? I'm a challenge!

**Ricky: **Nah, challenges are hard to get into bed.

**Lauren: **PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

**Madison: **PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

**Both: **PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

**Ricky: **Maybe…

Grace walks by.

**Ricky: **Ooh, Grace! (follows)

Madison and Lauren start crying.

**Jason (Lauren's brother): **Hey, Madison, even though I've never even been featured on a single episode of this show, want to go out?

**Madison: **Okay!

Jason and Madison skip away happily.

**Lauren: **What to do? What to do?

Jack walks by.

**Lauren: **Ooh, Jack! (tackles)

**Jack: **Uh, who are you and why are you on top of me?

**Lauren: **I'm a girl desperate for a boyfriend and I'll do anything.

**Jack: **Will you go to church with me and then have sex with me in the parking lot?

**Lauren: **Sounds fun!

Ben walks by.

**Jack: **Ooh, Ben! (tackles)

**All: **That was weird…

**Ben: **Uh…

**Jack: **That's right! The reason why I always pick on Ricky and other guys isn't because I try to prove my dominance, but because I'm a closeted homosexual!

**All: **HURRAY! There's someone gay on the show!

**Lauren: **I thought Ben was gay…

**Ben: **For I am **Benjamin!**


	8. Cheating Father vs Drummer Boy

Yes

Yes! I finished my essay and I'm back to writing a chapter for you guys! Then I have to take notes for Humanities. I hope 'Why is my Life a Secret?' becomes a legacy and shall continue forever and ever and ever and ever….

**Why is My Life a Secret?**

Narrator: New episode in 34 minutes! I'm so excited!

Ben: What will happen? What will happen?

Ricky: Will I break up with Adrian?

Adrian: Will I kill Ricky?

Henry: Will I worship the ground Ashley walks on?

Narrator: 33 minutes!

Ashley: Will Henry ever leave me alone?

Amy: Will I finally kiss Ben, cause we haven't kissed in a while?

Narrator: 32 minutes!

Ben: Will I hold MY woman?

Jack: Will I tell the world I'm gay?

Tom: Will I get it on with the next stripper?

Grace: WHAT?

Tom: Nothing.

Narrator: SO CLOSE! SO CLOSE!

George: I'll hit Ricky so hard, I'll break every bone in his body.

Ricky: That's not very nice…

George: Too bad, so sad. You slept with my daughter!

Ricky: Stop making her sound like the victim. She opened her legs.

George: Let me close them up for her! (tackle)

Narrator: What's this? Cheating Father vs. Drummer Boy before the show?

All: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

Ben: All right, rules of the Fight Club…

Ashley: First rule…you do not talk about the Fight Club.

Ben: Second rule…

Both: You DO NOT talk about the Fight Club!

Grace: You guys, wrong movie…

Narrator: Cheating Father enters the ring. He's carrying a baseball bat. Drummer Boy enters right after…he's carrying…drum sticks?

All: RICK-Y! RICK-Y! RICK-Y!

George: What about me?

Ricky: You're not cool enough! (tackle)

Narrator: The fight's just begun! Drummer Boy's in the lead, hitting him with drumsticks! Nice beat…

Adrian: Dun…dun….dun…dun.

Eddie Murphy: DANCEEEE TO THE MUSIC!!

All: DANCEEEEEEEEE TO THE MUSIC!!

Ricky: I win!!

George: Only at getting my daughter pregnant! (tackle)

Narrator: OH! DRUMMER BOY GOES DOWN! AND THE CHAIR! THEY ARE USING THE CHAIR AGAIN! That poor chair! OH AND…ooh look the show's on!

All: Ooh… (faces TV)

Amy: I'M PREGNANT?!

All: Uh…yeah?

Amy: Well, who's the father?

All: (points at Ricky)

George: Not for long… (mid air tackle)

Ricky: Not again… (attacked!)

…and ever and ever and ever and ever…..


	9. Benquo and Ricktarded

**The story shall continue! WOOT!**

**Why is My Life a Secret?**

**Ben: **I'm thinking about letting it out…I wanna give in…I wanna go out. Been looking around, I've finally found the rhythm of love, the feeling of sound. I'm making a change, the feeling is strange. It's coming right back, right back in my range. Not worried about anything else, I'm waking up. The beat of my heart…the beat of my heart…

**Jack: **OMG!

**All: **Ben came out of the closet! Ben came out of the closet!

**Ben: **You're all acting ridiculous. I was never in a closet.

**Adrian: **It's a metaphor, geek.

**Ben: **For what?

**Adrian: **For being on the happy side a little to much.

**Ben: **I don't get it.

**Adrian: **For telling the world what you really feel.

**Ben: **Uh…more examples, please?

**Adrian: **(sigh) Never mind, Ben.

**Ashley: **Let me explain it to him. Ben, you veer to the left.

**Ben: **I walk in a perfectly straight line.

**Ashley: **You think about people from the same sex.

**Ben: **I don't think about sex.

**Ashley: **YOU'RE GAY, DUDE!

**Ben: **Gay as in happy?

**Ashley: **Okay, okay, sure, let's say that.

**Amy: **My beloved is not gay!

**Ben: **Why wouldn't I be happy?

**Amy: **Hush, Ben. Don't give them any more possible ways to insult you with.

**Ben: **Everyone loves me! For I am **Benjamin!**

**All: **DUDE! YOUR REAL NAME IS BENQUO!

**Mr. Bokeywich: **There is no such- (attacked by various people)

**Ben: **Be…Be…Benquo? All these years were a…a…lie?

**Amy: **His name is NOT- (TACKLED)

**Ben: **Well, although this name change is sudden, people will go on loving me…FOR I….

**All: **Please don't finish the sentence…

**Ben: **AM…

**All: **No…no…. NO!!

**Ben: …BENQUO**!!

**All: **He said it!

**Ricky: **I wish my name was Benquo.

**Adrian: **Yours is better…it's Ricktarded.


	10. Baby Boomers!

**Yo, yo, yo! Thanks for the awesomeee reviews! You're welcome for using your idea, Erin! If you guys ever have any ideas, feel free to post them! I'll try to use them and you'll get complete credit! Ashlyn13, I'm going to use your idea on making Grace look really bad and/or naïve. XD**

**Love, Alex**

**Why is My Life a Secret?**

**Grace: **Ricky, Ricky, I'm singing a song about Ricky!

**Ricky: **Grace, did you ever consider reading the Bible…naked?

**Grace: **That's a very interesting perspective, Ricky. I'll try it some time.

**Ricky: **o.O

**Grace: **Ricky, close your mouth. You're drooling on the Bible.

**Ricky: **Oh! Well, when my drool hits the Bible, it'll become Holy Water.

**Grace: **That's so smart!

**Ricky: **You and I should read the Bible together…naked.

**Grace: **Okay! Come on over tonight!

**Amy: **You can't be serious! Look at this. (points at belly) Now, Grace, I want you to look at this. He, (points at Ricky), man. You, woman.

**Grace: **Only the through the aspects of true love will any children come to be. Our love is true, right, Ricky?

**Ricky: **(cough) Whatever.

**Amy: **Dude, he wants to get you in bed. He had me fooled too. This is the result.

**Grace: **It was a mistake and God forgives you.

**Amy:** MISTAKE? WE HAD HOT, PASSIONATE SEX! HOW IS THAT A MISTAKE?

**All:** Tell the world, why don't you?

**Amy:** Sorry.

**Grace:** It was a cry for help.

**Amy:** HOW THE HELL IS SEX A CRY FOR- (attacked by various people)

**All:** Don't get her started!

**Ricky:** So, Grace, your place, tonight at seven?

**Grace:** Sure!

**Ricky:** Awesome! I'll bring condoms!

**Grace:** Is that something you buy at the Holy Store of Jesus?

**Amy:** OH MY GOD!

**Ben:** It prevents miracles…

**Grace:** What kind of miracles?

**Adrian:** A miracle that grows and grows for nine months…

**Grace:** Sounds fun! Hey, Ricky, DON'T bring a condom!

**Amy:** No, no, no. You see, NO ONE is that stupid.

**Ricky:** Hey, spread the beauty through children!

**Amy:** Like I am, huh?

**Grace:** Amy, you're pregnant?

**Amy:** WHAT?

**Grace:** I just thought you were getting fat.

**Amy:** OMG! (passes out)

**All:** BABY BOOMERS! BABY BOOMERS! BABY BOOMERS!


	11. Amy is going through a rough menopause

I'm having fun with this story

**I'm having fun with this story! Hope so are you guys!**

**Love, Alex**

**Why is My Life a Secret?**

**Narrator: **We find out the real meaning behind Ricky and Adrian's relationship…

**Adrian: **I love sex.

**Ricky: **I love sex, too.

**Adrian: **Want to have sex?

**Ricky: **I thought you'd never ask. (SEX SCENE)

**Narrator: **Ben finds Ashley's condoms…

**Ben: **Is this Amy's room? To make sure, let me go through her panty drawer! Panties, panties…ooh what's this?

**Ashley: **What are you doing in my room?

**Ben: **This is your room?

**Ashley: **Yes…

**Ben: **YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO BE HAVING SEX!

**Narrator:** Grace finally talks to Jack…

**Grace: **WHAT THE??

**Jack: **Grace, it only looks like I'm having sex!

**Grace: **Of course, and that's what all the guys say in porn movies!

**Jack: **…and how would you know that?

**Narrator: **Madison and Lauren perk up the courage to talk to Amy…

**Madison: **Amy, hey!

**Lauren: **We need to talk to you.

**Amy: **What about?

**Madison: **Tell her, Lauren.

**Lauren: **I kissed Ricky.

**Amy: **What's next? Are you going to tell me you're having his baby, too?

**Lauren: **…uh…

**Narrator: **Next week on, 'The Sex Life of the American Teenager'!

**Amy: **YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG! (strangles)

**Ben: **WHOA! Someone's going through intense menopause…

**Amy: **DEVIL WORSHIPPERS!

**Grace: **O.O

**Amy: **MAN WHORES!

**Ricky: **HEY!

**Amy: **GIRLS WHO THINK THEY'RE SO COOL CAUSE THEY JUST GOT THEIR PERIOD IN THE SEVENTH GRADE!

**Ashley: **Story of my life…

**Amy: **CHEATING BOYFRIENDS!

**Jack: **ONE TIME! GET OVER IT! ONE FREAKING TIME!

**Amy: **EVIL BEST FRIENDS WHO JUST HAVE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE IN THE HALLWAY!

**Madison and Lauren: **HEY…no wait that's true.

**Amy: **AND FREAKING NARRATORS WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY ARE DOING!

**Narrator: **You know what, bitch? I'll just randomly say, 'Amy dies next week!' and it'll happen!

**Amy: **(pause) You can do that?

**Ben: **OH, man! Let me give you a list!


	12. Christian Stereotype Cheerleading Girl

Does everyone remember that episode where these drunk guys were about to rape Grace and she broke the beer bottle and then Ric

Does everyone remember that episode where these drunk guys were about to rape Grace and she broke the beer bottle and then Ricky came to the rescue? I love that episode! Haha. I'm going to spoof it too.

**Love, Alex**

**Why is My Life a Secret?**

**Drunk Dude: **Come here, pretty lady.

**Grace: **Hail Mary, full of grace…

**Drunk Dude: **I wanna…I wanna talk to you.

**Grace: **(breaks bottle of beer) BACK OFF! BACK THE HELL OFF! I WILL KILL YOU! I WILL KILL YOU WITH A BROKEN BEER BOTTLE!

**Drunk Dude: **What's that? (points at bottle)

**Grace: **(stabs)

**Drunk Dude: **I just wanted to ask where you bought your rosary.

**Grace: **Oh! I got it from the Holy Store of Jesus.

**Drunk Dude: **They have one?

**Grace: **I was surprised too!

**Drunk Dude: **Cool! (dies)

**Grace: **Oh my God, what have I done?

Ricky arrives and runs Grace over.

**Ricky: **What'd I miss?

**Grace: **(muffled)

**Ricky: **Grace, what are you doing under the tire? You could die! (helps Grace up)

**Grace: **Ricky, I need a doctor.

**Ricky: **Dude! You're bleeding all over my car! You bitch! (shoves to ground)

**Grace: **Ricky, please, I'm dying!

**Ricky: **Blah, blah, blah! So overdramatic!

**Grace: **…Ricky!

**Ricky: **My car!

**Grace: **Ricky, please!

**Ricky: **Shut up!

**Grace: **Call 911!

**Ricky: **Okay, but is there a 911 for my car? I don't think so!

**Jack: **(singing) I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world! (pause) I can explain…

**All: **GAY GAY GAY!

**Jack: **I'm not GAY! Ooh Ricky is shirtless! (tackles)

**Ricky: **No, get off me, I have to save my car!

**Jack: **But we've only just begun, darling. (drool)

**Grace: **Bleeding…to…death…here!

**Ricky: **DARLING?

**Jack: **Yes, my love? (KISS)

**Ricky: **o.O HELP HELP! JACK IS RAPING ME!

**Ben: **I am here, to save the day! For I am **Benquo!**

**Ricky: **Thank God, Jack…won't…stop…KISSING ME!

**Ben: **Screw you, I'm here for Grace.

**Grace: **YES! STEREOTYPE CHRISTIAN CHEERLEADING GIRL ONE, DRUMMER BOY ZERO!

**Ricky: **…I'm always the victim!


	13. Furry Planet

Yes, Friday is almost here

**Yes, Friday is almost here! YESSSSSSSS!**

**Why is My Life a Secret?**

**Amy: **To celebrate the season finale, we should all go to Disney World!

**Ashley: **I hate Disney. Mickey Mouse scares me.

**Ben: **Goofy is everyone's friend!

**Ricky: **I WANT TO TOUCH PLUTO FIRST!

**All: **(stare)

**Ricky: **What? He's a furry planet!

**All: **…uh…

**Ben: **He's a dog, Ricky.

**Adrian: **A dog who took a dump in your head.

**Ricky: **You know what?

**All: **What?

**Ricky: **I'm sick and tired of everyone picking on me! Why are you picking on me?

**All: **Because you've picked on all of us!

**Ricky: **No, I haven't.

**Amy: **You got me pregnant!

**Ricky: **HEY, HEY! We talked about that, Amy. Deep breaths, deep breaths.

**Grace: **The only reason you're even talking to me is to get in my underwear.

**Ricky: **That's not true!

**All: **Ricky…

**Ricky: **…okay…

**Jack: **YOU WON'T KISS ME! WAHHH I HATE YOU, YOU WHORE!

**Ricky: **Jack, Jack, let me spell it out for you. I'm not in love with you!

**Jack: **Then who does your heart belong to?

**All: **(stare)

**Ricky: **…uh…God?

**Grace: **Ohh!

**Adrian: **What a load of crap.

**Amy: **Ricky should really just shove it sometime.

**Jack: **WHY? WHY, GOD, WHY?

**Ben: **For I am **Benquo!**

**All: **(stare)

**Ben: **What?

**All: **You appeared out of nowhere.

**Ben: **WELL, I wasn't in the chapter so far, but I wanted to mess with the writer and appear anywayl

**Alexlovesgerard93: **NOOOOOO! IT'S ALL WRONG! (gives Narrator something to read)

**Narrator: **And now, with a surprise appearance from the author, there will be another surprise in which…Ben blows up.

**Ben: **Uh oh. (COMBUST)

**All: **You killed BENQUO!

**Alexlovesgerard93: **No…I love Benquo. Benquo wasn't supposed to be in this chapter, so I made Benquo self destruct instead.

**All: **Ohh…

**Amy: **Screw you guys! I'm going to Disney!

**Ricky: **YESSSSSSS! FURRY PLANET!

**All: **Ricky…

**Ricky: **Ugh…fine…furry dog.


	14. Ricky is pregnant!

Hello there, Earthlings

Hello there, Earthlings! I am Alex, someone from Planet FanFiction! LOL. Erin, you always have awesome ideas! I'm going to use an idea from my bestie Erin, also known as DramaQueen1316. Erin, this one's for you!

**Love, Alex**

**Why is My Life a Secret?**

**Ricky: **La di la! Ooh, pregnancy test! I SHALL PEE ON YOU! (pees on pregnancy test and minus sign appears) OMG! I'm pregnant! Since I skip math all the time to go have sex with people in the janitor's closet and I'm too stupid to know that the plus sign means pregnant, I'm going to tell everyone about my red alert!

**Grace: **Hey, Ricky! Since I have the powerful hearing God gave me, I overheard your random conversation with yourself!

**Ricky: **OMG! You know?

**Grace: **Yup, and I don't support abortion at all, so I'm forcing you to keep the child!

**Ricky: **PRO LIFE!

**Grace: **Who's your baby's daddy?

**Ricky: **Who's my baby's daddy?

**Grace: **That's what I just asked. Who's your baby's daddy?

**Ricky: **It's either Jack or Ben.

**Grace: **Ben? How can it be Ben? I only saw you do it with Jack!

**Ricky: **Well, I kind of date raped Ben while he was sleeping.

**Grace: **(gasp) You took advantage of someone! SIN!

**Adrian: **Since I happen to be walking by, I must know what's going on or I'll get really pissed and yell at you.

**Grace: **Ricky's pregnant!

**Ricky: **Geez, Grace.

**Adrian: **Hey, everyone!

**All: **What?

**Adrian: **Ricky's pregnant!

**Ricky: **You guys are worse then Lauren and Madison.

**Lauren and Madison: **Psst, Ricky's pregnant. Let's talk about his sex life in the middle of the hallway cause it's totally not possible for anyone to hear us.

**Grace: **Did you check for your period?

**Ricky: **I don't have my period! I'm just pregnant!

**Adrian: **You skipped it?

**Ricky: **I don't know how to answer that…

**All: **OMG! RICKY'S A GIRL!

**Ricky: **I'm not a girl! (loud squeal)

**All: **GIRL GIRL GIRL!

**Jack: **Wait, you're not a boy?

**Ricky: **Of course I'm-

**Jack: **EWW! A GIRL! EWW EWW EWW!

**Adrian: **Hey, I TAPPED THAT!

**All: **You've tapped everything!

**Adrian: **I never tapped Ben.

**Ben: **Who never tapped me?

**All: **(stare) GET HIM!

**Ben: **EEEEEEEEEEE! (runs away)

**Ricky: **Wait, for once the show must revolve around me!

**All: **RAPE BEN! RAPE BEN! RAPE BEN!

**Ricky: **Wait, I TAPPED BEN!

**All: **(freeze)

**Ricky: **(stare)

**All: **You've tapped everything!

**Ricky: **Nope, not Grace.

**Grace: **(backs away)

**All: **(follows)

**Grace: **NOOOOO! I BELIEVE IN ABSTINENCE! (runs away)

**Ricky: **Ooh, cramps! SOMEONE GIVE ME A MIDOL! 


	15. SLAT meets Twilight meets Power Rangers

Hi

Hi! I'm sure everyone has heard of the Twilight phenomenon that's going on right now! If you haven't heard, then here's a bit of info. Twilight is a book about a human girl who falls in love with a vampire. There's more to it and a lot of conflict. I just want to spoof it, if that's okay. Lol

**Love, Alex**

**Why is My Life a Secret?**

**Narrator: **A recovering drug addict that got knocked up in rehab moves to town…

**Amy: **Drugs…I need drugs…

**Narrator: **She starts going to a high school and finds love in a vampire…

**Amy: **Do you have drugs?

**Ben: **No, but I have absurd sexiness and a slow motion walk better then the chicks from Baywatch.

**Amy: **Okay!

**Narrator: **But little does she know…

**Amy: **Little do I know…

**Narrator: **THERE IS A RANDOMLY HOT VAMPIRE OUT TO GET HER AND BITE HER HEAD OFF!

**Amy: **EEEEEEEEE…wait did you say hot?

**Henry: **I play the ultra sexy vampire!

**Amy: **…ew…I want Ricky!

**Narrator: **Hey, deal with what you got!

**Amy: **Ugh…fine. Ooh sexiness!

**Narrator: **RUN AWAY IN FEAR!

**Amy: **GOSH YOU ARE SO CONFUSING! EEEEE I'M RUNNING AWAY FROM HOTNESS!

**Ben: **Whew, sorry I'm late! Time to save the world, for I am **Benquo!**

**All: **YOUR NAME IS EDWARD CULLEN!

**Ben: **WHO AM I?

**All: **…that dude from Twilight.

**Ben: **Can I be Benquo slash Benjamin later?

**All: **Maybe…

**Ben: **For I am **EDWARD CULLEN, THE DUDE FROM TWILIGHT!**

**Rabid Fan Girls: **LET'S GET HIM!

**Ben: **NOOOOO! I HAVE A PART TO PLAY!

**Rabid Fan Girls: **EDWARDDDDD, WE LOVE YOU!

**Ben: **No, no, no! POWER RANGERS, GO GO GO POWER RANGERS!

**Power Rangers: **We're here to fight the bad. Don't feel unhappy, get glad. We're here to save the day. Since Jack couldn't do it, cause he's gay.

**Ricky: **THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING GAY!

**All: **HOMOSEXUALITY ROCKS!

**Power Rangers: **Uhh…we just needed to rhyme a word. If we can't do it, we don't fly like a bird.

**All: **WTF?

**Narrator: **YOU GUYS! Secret Life of the American Teenager's Amy and Ben play Bella and Edward who meet the Power Rangers? This is cool!

**Ashley: **My life sucks.

**Narrator: **From Power Rangers to Emo Kids.

**All: **NEVER CATEGORIZE A HUMAN BEING! ONLY ALIENS!

**Aliens: **Aww, man. Come on, guys. Let's get out of here. Earth bites.

**Ben: **What's next? Spongebob?

**Spongebob: **I'm READY!


	16. About that

Long time no update, I'm sorry

**Long time no update, I'm sorry! I'll start as fast as I can, look I'm writing now!**

Why is my Life a Secret?

**Ben: **Good morning, America, we're broadcasting LIVE from ABC Family!

**Amy: **Let us tell you what has gone by on…

**Both: **The Secret Life of the American Teenager!

**Amy: **Why is my life a secret?

**Ben: **Ask stupid questions later!

**Amy: **Yes, sir!

**Ben: **In the finale…

**Grace: **I can't take it anymore! I'm going to throw my life away and become a sex fiend like Ricky!

**Ricky: **Hey!

**Amy: **Ouch.

**Ben: **Must have hurt the ego!

**Lauren: **EVERYONE! EVERYONE!

**Everyone: **What?

**Lauren: **I'm going to basically tell you all now so I don't sound like a stupid moron when I say it out loud and PRETEND TO KNOW you can't hear me! Ricky is seeing my dad!

**Jack: **OH! HE REALLY IS GAY!

**Lauren: **Wow, I can tell you're a jock.

**Everyone: **NOT ALL JOCKS ARE STUPID!

**Lauren: **No, everyone except me is stupid. Now, Ricky is seeing my dad as a therapist.

**Jack: **He's gay AND a therapist? MY DREAM COME TRUE!

**Lauren: **YOU MORON!

**Everyone: **NOT ALL…

**Lauren: **Jocks are stupid! I get it!

**Amy: **When will she learn?

**Ben: **Who knows?

**Amy: **More drama comes from previous episodes including this one…

**Henry: **UNDERAGE GIRL! SEXY!

**Ashley: **About that…

**Henry: **I'M GOING TO GO HAVE SEX WITH ALICE!

**Ashley: **I have condoms.

**Ben: **Maybe it's not all to great the first time…

**Henry: **Okay, I'll try again! Even though Alice has made it perfectly clear she wants to stay a virgin until it's the RIGHT time, I'm going to insist! AND I'm going to win the argument and score TWICE.

**Ricky: **Sex is always right the first time.

**Ben: **How would you know? When you 'deflower' girls, it's never your first time!

**Ricky: **But it's theirs.

**Ben: **You're despicable!

**Ricky: **But I'm sexy.

**Jack: **Oh yes you are!

**Ricky: **I'm sexy…not gay.

**Jack: **WAHHHH!

**Ben: **What's wrong with being gay?

**Jack: **You…you…understand me! (TACKLES)

**Ben: **NOT WHAT I MEANT!

**Amy: **Wow, he really gave it to you, huh Ben?

**Ben: **When I woke up, I couldn't walk.

**Amy: **Now you know how I feel every day with this bump! HA!

**Ben: **Bump…butt…rape…oh…

**Amy: **Hey, Ben, you can totally have sex with me now if you want. I mean, I'm already pregnant. Doing it again won't give me triplets.

**Ben: **About that…let's wait…I was just butt raped, Amy.

**Amy: **We can make a night of it!

**Ricky: **Is there room for one more?

**Amy: **Sure, nymphomaniac, join in on the fun!

**Ricky: **WOOHOO!

**Jack: **YAY!

**Ben: **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


	17. Ben's Bad Day

Ugh, don't you hate when shows are stopped for a period of time

Ugh, don't you hate when shows are stopped for a period of time? The 'break' between this season and that season? I hate that! Well, I'll make it easier to last through this hiatus with my spoofs! BIG SMILE!

**Love, Alex**

Why is my Life a Secret?

**Narrator: **Ben was having a bad day…

**Ben: **Ooh, a razor!

**Narrator: **Ben got a boo boo…

**Ben: **Stupid Ben…don't play with razors…don't play with razors…ooh a machete!

**Narrator: **Ben was playing with a machete….

**Ben: **HOW HIGH CAN YOU GO?

**Grace: **Hi Ben! (stabbed)

**Ben: **OH MY GOSH! YOU'RE BLEEDING KETHUP!

**Grace: **No, Ben, I'm bleeding love! Get this out of my chest! What do I look like, a regenerating cheerleader from Heroes?

**Ben: **Same costume…same color hair…same bad boy main character…OH EM GEE, you're Claire Bennett!

**Grace: **What?

**Ben: **Don't worry, Claire, save the cheerleader, save the world!

**Grace: **Ben, that's fake! (pulls knife out and wound heals) See, it's all in the eyes of God.

**Ben: **SAVE THE CHEERLEADER SAVE THE WORLD! SAVE THE CHEERLEADER SAVE THE WORLD! (crashes into wall)

**Adrian: **(supersonic speed!) Hey Grace, what's up?

**Grace: **Healing abnormally…bleeding to death…figuring out I have superpowers…not much.

**Adrian: **Cool! Check this out! (millisecond passes and she has a cheeseburger)

**Grace: **Wow, how did you…wait did you pay for that?

**Adrian: **No.

**Grace: **Are you going to pay for that?

**Adrian: **…no.

**Ricky: **(flies in, carrying other girls with him with his telekinesis!!) Hey ladies, what's up?

**Adrian: **Not much…totally cool fast powers…yourself?

**Ricky: **I can absorb powers! YES! I absorbed your speed! (sets girls down) Let's see the fastest man in the world have intercourse…

**Ben: **ALKJLDKFJLKDFJ! OH MY GOD! MY EYES! MY EYES!

**Grace: **Protect the virgin! (Adrian covers Ben and grabs Grace) Not me! (watches Ricky) Ooh…I did NOT know he could do that…oh Ricky!

**Narrator: **Ben was having a VERY bad day…


	18. NonJames vs Honey Momma

Allaroundgirl mentioned to me that I didn't mention 'For I am Benjamin!' once in these two chapters. It's because since Ben was so out of character, you know? LOL. Besides…he's Edward Cullen, the dude from Twilight!

Love, Alex

I'm sorry for not updating in a long time! I felt uninspired without the show! But now I'm back in the game!

**Why is my Life a Secret?**

**Anne:** Amy, honey, time for you to go to slut sch…I mean 'School for Young Women Who Got Knocked Up at a Young Age Because They Didn't Use a Condom'.

**Amy: **I don't want to go to that school! I want to go back to my old school!

**Grace: **BWAAAAH! I'M A CRAZY CHRISTIAN!

**Anne: **Uhh…are you sure?

**Amy: **Yes, Mom, I want to be with my friends.

**Lauren and Madison: **AMY IS PREGNANT! OKAY? WHO DIDN'T GET THAT? AMY JUERGENS IS PREGNANT!

**Anne: **And Ben?

**Ben: **STOP CHASING ME RABID FAN GIRLS! I'M NOT BENJAMIN OR BENQUO! I'M EDWARD CULLEN, THE DUDE FROM TWILIGHT!

**Amy: **His name isn't Ben anymore, Mom. He's Edward Cullen…

**Anne: **Yup, the dude from Twilight. But won't it be awkward with Ricky there?

**Ricky: **Hey everyone!

**Everyone: **What?

**Ricky: **I'm a sex god!

**Everyone: **HAHA! YOU WISH!

**Amy: **Well, isn't life awkward with Jack there?

**Jack: **Keep it happy, keep it snappy, keep it gay!

**Anne: **You've got a point. Okay! Back to the old school you go!

**Henry: **Hello, I'm here for…

**Anne: **I'll get Amy. AMY!!!!!!

**Henry:** Actually, I'm here for Ashley.

**Anne: **Freaky sex addict Asian kid say what?

**Henry: **I like your daughter, miss.

**Anne: **Funny, so do those random men on the side of the street.

**Henry: **I want to date her.

**Anne: **So do pedophiles, but you don't see me sending her out there free!

**Henry: **YO HO! I don't swing that way, bitch!

**Anne: **What did you call me, half witted prick?

**Narrator: **It seems we'll be having a new round of SLATWW!

**Anne: **Come on, bring it, weirdo! I haven't had this much fun since Sixteen Candles!

**Henry: **Stop living in the past, old lady! Life isn't a John Hughes movie!

**Anne: **You asked for it!

**Narrator: **OH! Honey Momma knocks Non-James on his ass! GO HONEY MOMMA!

**Henry: **Non-James?

**Amy: **Don't you remember? When I was Bella from Twilight? You don't make a good James, especially after the movie, GOD HE IS HOT!

**Grace: **Amy, don't drag God into this!

**Narrator: **A distraction for Non-James causes Honey Momma to sneak in a punch.

**Henry: **Oh sh-

**Anne: **No cursing in my house!

**Narrator: **OOOH! And he is thrown out of the house!

**Anne: **And don't come back!


	19. Predator and Nick Jonas, what the heck?

Time for another update! I owe you guys! Plus, I feel like parodying a few things. What I parodied will be featured at the bottom.

**Why is my Life a Secret?**

**Predator: **ROARRR!

**Ben: **OH MY JONAS!

**Adrian: **EEEEE THEY'RE SO HOT!

**Nick Jonas: **Sing it with me! Nick J is off the chain! He's off the chain! Okay, ready? What's my name, say it once again!?

**Grace:** Nick J!

**Ricky: **Nick J!

**Tom: **Nick J!

**Madison: **Nick J!

**Nick Jonas: **What's my name, say it once again?

**Lauren: **Nick J!

**Amy: **Nick J!

**Anne: **Nick J!

**Ashley: **Nick J!

**Predator: **What the hell? I'm right here! I'm scary, I'm monstrous! Don't ignore me!

**Adrian: **Oh, right, EEEEEEEEEEE!

**Ricky: **Oh, look, help is on the way!

**Ben: **It's a bird!

**Amy: **It's a plane!

**Grace: **It's an angel!

**Madison: **Guys, it's just Miley Cyrus.

**Grace: **Great, ruin our fun, why don't you?

**Miley Cyrus: **Hey everyone! Life's what you make it so let's make it rock!

**Ben: **Yeah! We're always getting the best of both worlds!

**Lauren: **I need acne cream or I'm going to breakout!

**SILENCE**

**Lauren: **What?

**Miley Cyrus: **Uh…bye!

**Predator: **Wait, Miley, I MUST TOUCH YOU!

**Lauren is run over by Mac 5. **

**All: **HIP HIP HOORAY!

**Speed Racer: **Hey, everyone! How's it going?

**All: **Go, Speed Racer! Go, Speed Racer, go!

**Speed Racer: **Fine, I'm leaving, I'm leaving.

**All: **No, Speed Racer! No, Speed Racer, no!

**Speed Racer: **GOSH! THAT'S SO ANNOYING!

**Speed Racer drives away in Mac 5. Lauren crawls back to life.**

**Amy: **AAAAAAAAAAAA! IT'S BACK!

**Ricky: **RUN!!! ZOMBIE!

**All: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

**Lauren: **Wait, you guys! I have a secret to tell you!

**Amy: **Lauren, it's because of you, I DON'T have a secret life!

**Ben: **For I am Edward Cullen!

**Rabid Girl Fans: **EDWARDDDDDDDDDD! BITE MEEEE!

**Ben: **GET AWAY! GET AWAY! GET RICKY! HE'S JASPER!

**Alexlovesgerard93: **Jasper? JASPER? JASPERRRRRR! I LOVE YOU!

**Ricky: **AAAAAA! I WILL KILL YOU, BEN!

**Alexlovesgerard93: **GET HIM! GET HIM!!!!!

**Ricky is run out of town by author and fan girls. **

**Real Edward Cullen: ***sulks*

**All Girls: ***sigh*

**Amy: **Back off, bitches! HE'S MINE!

**Bella Swan: **HELL NO!

**All Boys: **CATFIGHT! GET YOUR CAMERAPHONES!

**Amy and Bella Swan kill each other.**

**Real Edward Cullen: **NOOOOOOOOOOOO! BELLAAAAAAA!

**Edward Cullen dies from heartbreak. Fan girls commit suicide.**

**Ben: **I'm afraid to speak.

**Grace: **Why?

**Ben: **They might…come back. More…strange…people.

**Paul: **So much stress for politeness' sake.

**A Parody of…**

**Predator (movie)**

**Jonas Brothers (band) **

**obsession of JoBros**

**Miley Cyrus (singer/actress)**

**Speed Racer (TV show/movie)**

**Twilight (book/movie)**

**Twilight fan girls/Twilight obsession**

**My love for Jasper/Jackson Rathbone**

**The last line from Paul is from the movie Funny Games U.S. (2007)**


	20. Jeans and Broken Condoms

I enjoyed parodying those things so much, I'm doing it again! Hehe!

Love, Alex

**Why is my Life a Secret?**

**Narrator: **Next up on Girls Gone Wild!

**Ricky: **I'm starting to like this show.

**Jack: **Girls? Ew. What channel are they giving boys gone wild?

**Ricky: **On channel shove it up your butt.

**Jack: **I'd love to. Are you shoving it?

**Grace: **EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

**Amy: **GROSS!

**Ben: **My virgin ears!

**Amy: **My non-virgin ears!

**Ben: **Must you remind me?

**Ricky: **Amy?

**Amy: **What?

**Ricky: **I'll always know what you did last summer.

**Ashley: **You guys, check out these pants I just found!

**Jack: **Cool! *tries on* Do they make me look fat?

**Amy: **Give me those! *tries on* Wow, perfect fit.

**Ben: **Can I try them on? *tries on* Nice.

**Grace: **It's a miracle. *tries on* They fit all of us perfectly!

**Ricky: **Miracle? What did you do, Ashley? Cast a spell on them?

**Ashley: **I know a great castration spell, Ricky.

**Ricky: **Bring it, weirdo!

**Amy: **Guys! Enough! These jeans are here for a reason. It's to bring us together.

**Jack: **Yeah, give me the jeans, Grace.

**Grace: **Why?

**Jack: **I'm the one who should keep the jeans. They look better on me anyways.

**Amy: **They look bad on you.

**Jack: **Well, they make you look pregnant!

**Amy: **Jack?

**Jack: **Yeah?

**Amy: **I AM PREGNANT!

**Jamie Lynn Spears: **So was I, but that was taken care of.

**All: **GASP!

**Grace: **SIN!

**Jamie Lynn Spears: **Wait, you freaks, that was taken care of meaning I gave birth.

**Grace: **YOU HAD SEX TO BEGIN WITH!

**Jamie Lynn Spears: **At least I'm experienced!

**Ben: **Experienced at breaking a condom.

**Jamie Lynn Spears: **How rude!

**Stephanie: **That's my line! How rude!

**Ricky: **Go back to having reruns on Nickelodeon, ladies. We are current on ABC Family.

**Stephanie: **How rude!

**A parody of…**

**Girls Gone Wild**

**Sisterhood of Traveling Pants (book/movie)**

**Jamie Lynn Spears and her pregnancy**

**Zoey 101 (TV show)**

**Full House (TV Show)**


	21. Ben has a Moment

**The show has so many things to parody! This makes me happy!**

**Love, Alex**

**Why is my Life a Secret?**

**Narrator: **Previously on SLATWW…

**Amy: **Honey Momma takes the gold!

**Ben: **Twice!

**Amy: **Ricky wins the fight against my dad!

**Ben: **Once!

**Ashley: **Why do you keep doing that?

**Ben: **For I am **Edward Cullen, the dude from Twilight!**

**Ashley: **NO! You aren't! YOU ARE- (muffled by people)

**Everyone: **GOD!

**Grace: **No, he's- (tackled)

**Ben: **God?

**Everyone: **GOD!

**Ben: **I do the things I do…for I am **God!**

**Amy: **Don't believe- (silenced)

**Ben: **You know what, I'm sick and tired of being told who I am!

**Amy: **Tell them!

**Ben: **I'm whoever I want to be!

**Amy: **Go Ben!

**Ben: **I'm…I'm…

**Amy: **You're…you're…

**Ben: **I'M SINGING IN THE RAIN!

**Amy: **WTF?

**Grace: **JUST SINGING IN THE RAIN!

**Amy: **Shut up, just shut up!

**Ben: **I don't shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up!

**Everyone: **BLEH!

**Amy: **I don't know how else to solve my problems, so Ben, can we get married?

**Ben: **But you-

**Amy: **I know what I said, but I'm pregnant, remember? We're fifteen! Perfect!

**Ben: **Perfect?

**Amy: **Fifteen is the perfect age to start raising a family!

**Everyone: **ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

**Amy: **Fifteen is the perfect age to get married!

**Adrian: **Fifteen is also a song by Taylor Swift, but I'm not bragging!

**Ricky: **Yeah, Taylor Swift didn't get pregnant at fifteen.

**Amy: **SHUSH! I'm original.

**Ben: **…not really.

**Amy: **Oh?

**Ben: **OH!

**Amy: **OH!

**Ben: **OH!

**Amy: **OH!

**Ben: **OH!

**Grace: **Stop it! You guys sound like you're having sex!

**Ben: **…how would you know?

**Grace: **Oh, that's easy, this one time at God camp…

**Ricky: **You're screwing with me.

**Grace: **Are we talking literally or rhetorically?

**Ricky: **Uhh…

**Grace: **Because, literally we're not having intercourse.

**Ricky: **I can't believe I'm having this conversation.

**Grace: **Maybe, rhetorically you're screwing me.

**Everyone: **WHAT?

**Ricky: **That's not true…

**Everyone: **Ricky…

**Ricky: **Maybe it is…

**Narrator: **SEX IS EVERYWHERE! SEX IS A SONG!

**Ben: **FEEL GOOD INC!

**Everyone: **OMG!

**Amy: **Okay, who else caught the irony? I did! I sure as hell did!


	22. Cat Fight Between Dogs

**Hey SLAT fans! The show has been a little too…dramatic lately. LET ME CHANGE THAT! Ugh…Amy's getting on my nerves. I want Ben…no I want Ricky, I want Ben again, NO RICKY! GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! How about this Amy? Ben and Ricky…not with you…with each other.**

**Hehe.**

**Why is my Life a Secret?**

**Amy: **Ben, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but you're way too clingy for my taste.

**Ben: **You're right, Amy. We need some space.

**Amy: **What?

**Ben: **We should take some time away from each other.

**Amy: **Wait, man! I wasn't serious! You're supposed to tell me you love me!

**Ben: **I do love you. That's why I'm giving you space.

**(Grace and Adrian enter. Out of nowhere)**

**Grace: **You're the b-word, Adrian!

**Adrian: **Oh? What's that?

**Grace: **A boy! Adrian Lee is a boy!

**(ALL the boys touch their mouths.)**

**Boys: **EWWWWW EWWWWWW! I TAPPED THAT!

**Ben: **Excuse me, we're having a conversation?

**Amy: **WAHHHHHHHHHH! YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!

**Ricky: **Suddenly I do. I don't even love myself, but hell, I love you Amy!

**Amy: **Go chomp on a dildo, Ricky!

**Ricky: **Sounds tasty.

**Adrian: **(pulls Grace's hair) (uses soprano voice) That was our little secret.

**Grace: **Sorry Adrian, but once you go black, you never go back.

**Adrian: **What the hell?

**(Grace/Adrian fight continues)**

**Ben: **Stay out of this, Ricky. This is between me and Amy.

**Ricky: **The baby is between you and Amy. I mean, literally.

**Ben: **EEEEE! YOU WHORE!

**(random Grace/Adrian fight becomes Ben/Ricky fight)**

**Ricky: **Don't touch my hair! That costs money!

**Ben: **My boobs! They're fake!

**Ricky: **Eww. I touched the silicon.

**Ben: **Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

**Grace and Adrian: **Psh. You thought we were weird.

**Ricky: **Look at us, man. We're acting ridiculous.

**Amy: **Shit, I think it's a riot. Get me some popcorn! I'm pregnant here!

**Ashley: **Of course, I live to serve.

**Ben: **Aww, Ricky. Let's be best friends!

**(tender hug)**

**Ricky: **Wait, this is gay!

**Jack: **Yes?

**(Jack's one line this season…I'm through with women….oh, my stomach still hurts)**

**Ben: **True love overcomes all obstacles! (lean)

**Ricky: **What are you doing?

**Ben: **Get closer, honey.

**Ricky: **No, man. Get back.

**Ben: **(grabs Ricky's head)

**Ricky: **Please, Ben…let me die with my dignity!!!!!!!!


	23. Angry Pregnant Women and the Pill

**Who else thinks Amy is a selfish, self-absorbed, rude bitch? I do! Hehe. I do like the actress though. She called Ben for five dollars, she doesn't want to work at all and all she does is whine, whine, whine! GODDDD! Did you see the latest episode, where the girls got jobs? When Anne was being interviewed, that sexy guy who was interviewing her is Nicholas Braun! I was so happy to see him! He was the bad boy 'Zeke' from Minutemen and the dude 'Zack' who glowed from Sky High! He's going to star in Princess Protection Program too, so look out for him. Hehe. I'm glad I just directed you to a talented actor on the rise. Oh…right…the spoof! I'm on it.**

**Why is my Life a Secret?**

**Grace: **PEOPLE!

**Everyone: **Yes?

**Grace: **I have the pill, the pill, the pill! I have the birth control pill!

**Everyone: **Yay!! Rub it in someone else's face!

**Grace: **Fine, I will. Hi Jack!

**Jack: **Can't talk! Running! Chasing people!

**Grace: **Why?

**Jack: **THEY STOLE MY CANDY BAR MONEY! (cries)

**Ricky: **Gay, gay, gay.

**Jack: **Shut up, player.

**Ricky: **Player hater.

**Jack: **That's right, yo.

**Duncan (Jack's kid): **Hey Jack. I've seen the error in what I've done and I'm giving you back the money.

**Jack: **What the hell?

**Duncan: **KIDDING! SUCKER! (runs away)

**Jack: **DAMN IT! (chases)

**Grace: **Hi Amy! I'm on the pill.

**Amy: **SHUT UP GRACE! GOSH! I KNOW I'M PREGNANT! WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO DO WITH ME? STOP LOOKING AT ME!

**Ben: **But it's so big…(poke)

**Amy: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (axe) I DON'T WANT TO WORK! I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING! I EXPECT YOU TO TAKE CARE OF MY CHILD! WHY IS THAT SO HARD?????????

**Everyone: **HEY! We don't have to take this shit! MUTINY!

**Amy: **OH SHIT! (tackled)

**Duncan and Jack run in again.**

**Jack: **DUNCAN DAMN IT! I EARNED THAT MONEY FOR YOU! Wait…

**Duncan: **What?

**Jack: **I got the money for you and now you have it. Keep it. Bye. (mumbling) Why do I waste my time with crazy kids?

**Ricky: **Player hater.

**Duncan: **I agree.

**Ben: **Ricky, come here for a second.

**Ricky: **Why?

**Ben: **Because, I'm about to own you with this really awesome insult….PWNED.

**Ricky: **Say it…

**Ben: **I already did.

**Ricky: **Fine. (hurt emotional look on face) You're so mean! (runs away)

**Ben: **WAIT! GIVE ME BACK THAT CANDY BAR!

**Grace: **I have the pill!

**Everyone: **We know, we know!


	24. Sex Sex Sexy Time

**Who else believes SLAT set a world record? They have set it for the most amount of times people say 'sex' in ONE episode. I'm convinced. Seriously.**

**Why is my Life a Secret?**

**(Ben and Amy)**

**Ben: **Amy, I want to wait for the right moment to have **sex **with you.

**Amy: **Ben, why can't we have **sex **now?

**Ben: **You're pregnant because you had **sex.**

**Amy: **No, duh, that's where babies come from.

**Ben: **I can't have **sex **with you, Amy. I don't want to have **sex **until we're married and ready to start a family.

**(Adrian and Grace)**

**Adrian: **Ricky and I had hot **sex **last night.

**Grace: **Why does everything have to be about **sex? **Where is the love?

**Adrian: **You don't need love to have **sex.**

**Grace: **You should have **sex **with love.

**(Madison and Lauren)**

**Madison: Sex! **Let's talk about **sex! **Amy had **sex! **I haven't had **sex!**

**Lauren: Sex **in the hall. **Sex **on the street. **Sex **at band camp.

**Madison and Lauren: SEX SEX SEX SEX!**

**(Jack)**

**Jack: **All alone, without **sex. **How I wish I could call Ricky to claim **sex.**

**(Juergens Family)**

**Anne: **I can't believe Amy had **sex.**

**Ashley: **Get over it. Can I have **sex? **I have condoms.

**George: **No way. I want to be a grandfather, but not because my thirteen year old had **sex.**

**Anne: Sex **isn't a game, Ashley. **Sex** should be taken seriously. Now hurry up, you're going to be late for school.

**Ashley: **At least I won't be late for my period.

**Everyone: SEX IS A GAME! SEX IS A SONG! SEX IS LOVE! SEX IS HOT PASSIONATE BANG BANG NEAR THE TOILET OR IN THE CAR! HAVE SEX WHEN YOU'RE READY KIDS! NOT WHEN RICKYS COMES BANGING ON YOUR DOOR! No pun intended.**

**Ricky: **I take offense to the previous comment. I don't say **sex **that much.

**Everyone: **That's because you have **sex** more than anyone else on the show.

**34 TIMES! WOOT!!!!!!!!!!!**


	25. Making a Special Video

'**Ello chaps! How's it going? It's going rather well over here, now that you ask. Are you ready for the next chapter? I know I am…**

**Why is my Life a Secret?**

**Adrian: **Hey good looking. How's it cooking?

**Max (step brother): **Uh…it's not? We're going out for dinner Adrian, remember?

**Adrian: **I can shake and bake, baby. Anyway you want me. Well done or medium rare?

**Max: **How about with French fries and an egg salad?

**Adrian: **I only drink vanilla shakes.

**Max: **GROSS! THE INNUENDO! YUCKYYYYYYYY!

**Adrian: **So, what do you say? Meet me in Zoey's 101?

**Jamie Lynn Spears: **Don't drag me into this bitch.

**Adrian: **Hey, honey, look at the facts. I used a condom. You didn't. Join Amy's club.

**Jamie Lynn Spears: **WHORE!!!!! (tackles)

**Max: **Uh…I think I'm going to go.

**Paris Hilton: **No, baby. Stay, join us. We'll be your heaven.

**Max: **Can't I just go back to my own private Idaho?

**Paris Hilton: **Nope. Stay here. I'll go get the camera. (exits)

**Pamela Anderson: **Hey sweeties. You weren't thinking of starting without me, were you?

**Girls Next Door: **Of course not, Pam!

**Grace: **Hi! I'm here for Bible Study. (sees Adrian and Jamie Lynn fighting) Am I in the right room?

**Max: **Please. SAVE ME!

**Ricky: **Hey ladies.

**Girls: **Hi Ricky!

**Ricky: **Did you miss me?

**Paris Hilton: **Baby! Of course I did. You know I love you.

**Ricky: **Skip that part. Let's get to the sex scene.

**Pamela Anderson: **Wait! Carmen's not here yet!

**Paris Hilton: **You snooze, you lose.

**Carmen Electra: **I heard that you slut.

**Paris Hilton: **(gasp) Take that back! (cat fight)

**Ricky: **Ladies, ladies, please.

**Max: **(to Grace) Want to get out of here?

**Grace: **Definitely. (they leave)

**Kim Kardashian: **Is this Bible study?


	26. Giving Birth to Hell

**Who's looking forward to the birth of the baby? I most certainly am! Before the actual birthing scene happens, I think I'll write about it here…in my own way.**

**MWAHAHAHA!**

**Why is my Life a Secret?**

**Ben: **Okay Amy, breathe, breathe! Now push, push!

**Amy: **BEN! SHUT THE HELL UP! AAAAAAA!

**Ben: **Breathe, Amy, breathe.

**Amy: **Whoo whoo whee. Whoo whoo whee.

**Ben: **We will, we will rock you.

**Amy: **I will lift your penis and wrap it around your neck!

**Ben: **GRAPHIC!

**Ricky: **OH MY GOD! LOOK AT HER VAGINA! (passes out!)

**Ben: **I don't see the big-WHOA MAMA! (passes out!)

**Amy: **You dweebs! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!

**Ashley: **You're going to have to push a little more Amy.

**Amy: **(chokes Ashley) I'm…pushing…bitch.

**Ashley: **I'm…suffocating…bi…Amy.

**Amy: **(lets go) PAIN PAIN PAIN!

**Jack: **This is bloody, very bloody, I don't like bloody! EEEE EEEE I SEE THE HEAD!

**Grace: **Chill, Jack! It's just a baby's head. It's so cute.

**Jack: **IT LOOKS LIKE A BOWLING BALL! (looks at Amy) YOU'RE GIVING BIRTH TO A BOWLING BALL!

**Amy: **GET OUUUUUUUUUT! GET OUUUUUUUUUT! (Jack runs away)

**Grace: **It's okay, Amy. (squeezes hand) I'm still here.

**Amy: **Abstinent bitch. I HATE YOU AND YOUR PURITY RING!

**Grace: **GOSH YOU EMO PREGNANT BOY! It's the pill. Get over it.

**Amy: **Where's Ricky? I'M GOING TO KIIIIIIILLLLLL HIMMMMMM!

**Grace: **It says on the Ten Commandments…

**Amy: **KILLLLLLLLLL HIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

**Adrian: **Hey, how's it-HOLY SHIT!

**Amy: **…exposed…my vagina is exposed…….EXPOSED…I'm EXPOSED!

**Adrian: **Damn Amy! Talk about overuse! Was band camp really the first time?

**Baby pops out and hits Adrian's head.**

**Amy: **Aww my little boy. I love you already.

**Everyone: **Yeah, he's as whiny as you.

**Amy: **SHUT UP! Baby, I'll name you Damian.

**Everyone: **…what?

**Amy: **MWAHAHA! I'm the Devil!

**Grace: **SHIT! I KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME! (runs out) JESUUUUUUS! JESUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS!

**Everyone: **Oh my God…it's mini Amy. THE DEVIL! RUN!

**Damian: **Hee hee hee.


	27. Reader Feature with Ashlyn13

**Ashlyn13, I appreciate the fact that you reviewed every chapter so far. Thank you so much! Reviews are like chocolate chip cookies for me, they're awesome! This chapter is completely dedicated to you and your reviews. I checked your page for the information on what you like watching, so there you have it!**

**Why is my Life a Secret?**

**Amy: **Okay ladies, welcome to the Edward Cullen Fan Club.

**Ladies: **WE LOVE EDWARD!

**Grace: **This is also known as the Jacob Sucks Butt Club.

**Ladies: **JACOB SUCKS BUTT!

**Bella Swan: **I personally can't choose a favorite between them. Do you not see my dilemma?

**Adrian: **WHAT? Are you crazy? You're comparing the sexy, cool Edward to the boyish kidlike Jacob?

**Ladies: **WE LOVE EDWARD! JACOB SUCKS BUTT!

**Bella Swan: **Okay, I kind of see your point. But…so hard…

**Amy: **HERE! I'll help you choose! YOU TAKE JACOB, I'LL HAVE EDWARD!

**Ladies: **HELL NO, HOE! (tackles Amy) There, now that THAT problem is out of the way…WE LOVE EDWARD!

**Bella Swan: **Wahhhhhh….someone died….

**Grace: **Oh God….(pulls out gun, kills Bella) Problem solved. Who wants Edward?

**Ladies: **HUZZAH!

**Adrian: **I want him, Grace.

**Grace: **You can have him. He doesn't like blondes anyway.

**Chuck Bass: **If you have legs, I like you.

**Ladies: **CHUCK BASS! EEEEE!

**Seth Clearwater: **Wait, don't forget me!

**Grace: **SETTHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Ashlyn13: **Hell no, back off my men! (axe murders ladies)

**Edward Cullen: **Hello my darling.

**Ashlyn13: **(drool) Hi Edward! (giggle)

**Ben: **For I am **Edward Cullen, that dude from Twilight!**

**Ashlyn13: **(sigh) Not you, Ben.

**Ben: **Who is this Ben?

**Ashlyn13: **YOU MAN! It was all a lie…all a lie…

**Ben: **Power is surging through me….FOR I AM **CONFUSED!**

**Ashlyn13: **(kills Ben, faces Edward) Where were we?

**Edward Cullen: **Now that Bella's dead, and our unrequited love is here, want to go out?

**Ashlyn13: **I'll cut you a deal…

**Edward Cullen: **What?

**Ashlyn13: **I'll let you take me on a date if you…tell me what face mask you use! I mean, you sparkle!

**Edward Cullen: **Well it's only natural. I AM a vampire.

**Ashlyn13: **Oh, Edward, bite me.

**Ben: **…bleeding to death…

**Edward Cullen: **No, I must have a major disagreement with you that stretches until the fourth book…saying I shall not turn you into a vampire.

**Ashlyn13: **But when, oh Edward?

**Ben: **…dying….

**Edward Cullen: **After I go to a really good strip club on main street…Jasper's hosting.

**Ashlyn13: **Hmm…what the hey, sounds fun! Let's go boys!

**Seth and Chuck: **WOOHOO!

**Blair Waldorf: **Wait for me! If there's a party, I have to be there!

**Ashley: **Wait for me, I have condoms!

**I hope you liked it, Ashlyn13! If you want me to continue, but with more information, just tell me! If there is anyone that wants to be included in the spoof, just ask! **


	28. Reader Feature with FirstLadyJonas

**Hey peeps! Ashlyn13, I'm glad the reader feature was hit. That means a lot. FirstLadyJonas, this one is for you and your obsessive love for the JoBros! It's okay, I love them too. If you want to check out a JoBros story, I invented Oh My Jonas!. LOL. Enjoy!**

**Why is my Life a Secret?**

**FirstLadyJonas: **Filming for Camp Rock The Sequel starts in ten! Amy, can I talk to you?

**Amy: **Yeah?

**FirstLadyJonas: **You're playing Mitchie Torres, an innocent teenager.

**Amy: **What's your point?

**FirstLadyJonas: **Well…try not to look so pregnant.

**Amy: **I CAN'T HELP IT!!!!!!!!!!! (emotional)

**FirstLadyJonas: **Oh my Jonas! I don't have to take this! REPLACEMENT TIME! (group of girls line up)

**Demi Lovato: **I can play Mitchie!

**FirstLadyJonas: **Nah…too peppy. YOU! (points at Adrian) MITCHIE!

**Adrian: **Um, maybe you should cast Demi Lovato.

**FirstLadyJonas: **No, you're perfect! REPLACEMENT GIRLS MUST LEAVE! (they leave) JONASES!

**Jonas Brothers: **CAMPPPPPPFFIRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE!

**FirstLadyJonas: **CAMPPPPPPFFFFFFIREEEEEEEEEEEE!

**Grace: **What the heck does that mean?

**Joe Jonas: **Whoa, boys! It's a blonde! I MUST DATE HER!

**Grace: **Huh?

**Joe Jonas:** How's it going pretty lady?

**Nick Jonas: **I'm Nick…but you can call me….stud muffin.

**Kevin Jonas: **Hi, my name is Kevin Jonas and I'd like to sell you a car.

**Grace: **BENNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!

**Ben: **(runs out, dressed as fourth Jonas) Yes? (salutes boys) CAMPFIREEEEEE!

**Jonas Brothers: **CAMPFIREEEEEEEEEEE!

**Grace: **EEEEEEEEEEE! THERE'S MORE!

**Joe Jonas: **But we're gorgeous, look at us!

**Ricky: **Okay…this is where the line is drawn. (grabs Grace) MY blonde.

**Grace: **Ooh yummy, it's the boy who can't make up his mind.

**Joe Jonas: **Want to fight about it?

**Jonas Brothers: **PONED!

**Ricky: **It is SO on. (fights Joe, killing each other)

**Fan Girls: **JOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Ashley: **Hello, hello, I'm the Bonus Jonas, reporting for duty.

**Jonas Brothers (what's left of them): **HUZZAH!

**Ben: **Ashley, if you're my sister, then that means Amy…is my sister too.

**Amy: **EWWWWWWWWWW! (kills self)

**Ben: **What the hey, I'll pull a Romeo. (kills self)

**FirstLadyJonas: **(returns from break) What on earth? I leave for ten minutes and HALF my cast is dead! Who will play Shane Gray? JONAS BOYS LINE UP!

**Nick Jonas: **Baby, when you look me in the eyes and tell me that you love me, everything's all right.

**FirstLadyJonas: **Nick, not now. You're going to marry me tomorrow, remember?

**Selena Gomez: **Hey! That wasn't on the letter I GOT!

**FirstLadyJonas: **Die, Selena, die! (murder)

**Ashley: **I'm a new Jonas Brother.

**FirstLadyJonas: **Yes, yes. The right hair length, face, you're SHANE!

**Adrian: **This is real, this is me! (cannot sing at all)

**Nick Jonas: **Retainer time!

**Adrian: **Take me to year 3000, Shane Gray!

**Ashley: **Uhh….that's not in the script.

**FirstLadyJonas: **CUT! CUTTTTTTTT! YOU SUCK! YOU ALL SUCK!!!!!!!! (kills everyone except Nick, Kevin, and Ben)

**Jack: **(walking in) EEEEEE! JONAS BROTHERSSSSS! (tackles Kevin)

**Kevin Jonas: **No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (dragged away)

**Ben: **(looks around wildly) Who now? Who now?

**Miley Cyrus: **Come here, baby!

**Ben: **NOOOOOOOOOO! SEVEN THINGS! SEVEN WAYS TO SAYYY NOOOOOO!

**FirstLadyJonas and Nick Jonas look at each other.**

**Nick Jonas: **Want to get out of here?

**FirstLadyJonas: **Definitely, Nicky.

**Frankie Jonas: **Don't forget me!


	29. Identity Crisis Boy vs Drummer Boy

**I'm glad everyone liked the reader features! Remember, I'm willing to write them for anyone, just ask via review or PM. Here's the SLAT team!**

**Why is my Life a Secret?**

**Ricky: **Amy, I want to marry you. Why don't you know that yet?

**Amy: **I don't know, maybe because you just told me?

**Ricky: **Please Amy…I'll do anything…take my clothes off…love you…take my clothes off…

**Ben: **I warned you, Ricky. I told you to stay away from MY woman.

**Ricky: **Oh yeah? Well…what are you going to do about it?

**Narrator: **Weeeeeeellllllllll…….that set off Benny! He strips himself of his regular clothes, revealing his sausage costume!

**Ben: **I AMMMM IDENTITY CRISIS BOYYYYY!

**Everyone: **I.C.B! I.C.B! I.C.B!

**Ricky: **Well…didn't know we were stipping, but okay. (is naked)

**Jack: **OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! GOOOOOOOO DRUMMER BOYYYYYY! KEEP HITTING THAT!

**Everyone: **(stares)

**Narrator: **Starting off SLATWW, Identity Crisis Boy or I.C.B, grabs a sausage and hits Drummer Boy with it!

**Amy: **Left, right! No. No! LEFT! DAMN IT!!!! LEFTTTT!

**Narrator: **Drummer Boy grabs a sausage too…wait that's not a sausage…that's his-

**Ben: **EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

**Narrator: **That's a whole lot of man!

**Amy: **That's MY MAN! WHOO! GO BEN!

**Ricky: **Gross, I touched it!

**Ben: **(pees on Ricky) Take that Drummer Boy!

**Ricky: **Noooooo! The smell….I can't take it!!!!

**Narrator: **It looks like a victory for Identity Crisis Boy!

**Grace: **You guys! You shouldn't fight! That's not the right way!

**Adrian: **Oh, gosh. Look at Ben! BEN! I'm your biggest fan! (flashes him)

**Ben: **…boobs…(passes out with Ricky)

**Narrator: **Never mind…they're both down…it's undecided!

**Amy: **Not for me it's not…I married Ben!

**Adrian: **Not legally.

**Amy: **Whatever.

**Ricky: **I'm up! (tackled by Ben) …I'm down.


	30. Ultimate Slash Moment

**Hello international readers! How is life treating you? I have an idea to spoof various slash stories on Secret Life on fanfiction, but I want everyone to know that this isn't an insult, but an exaggeration. My own version of what would happen. **

**Why is my Life a Secret?**

**[The Grace/Adrian pairing. WHAT THE HELL??]**

**Adrian: **Opposites attract, right?

**Grace: **We're the overdone opposites.

**Adrian: **We're hot, we're sexy!

**Grace: **Oh God, I feel mildly violated!

**Adrian: **Ooh, Grace. Kinky bra!

**Grace: **VERY VIOLATED!

**[The Ricky/Ben pairing. Well…I wouldn't mind that.]**

**Ben: **I hate you!

**Ricky: **I hate you too!

**Ben: **I hate you more!

**Ricky: **Want to sleep on it?

**Ben: **Okay!

**[The Ricky/Jack pairing. Very famous in my story. Hehe.]**

**Jack: **This is wrong, Ricky.

**Ricky: **But it feels so right.

**Jack: **Keep going, Ricky. Oh yeah!

**Ricky: **YES! These are going to be the best homemade cookies ever!

**[The Ben/Jack pairing. Done mainly through rape in my story.]**

**Jack: **Ben. I want you so badly.

**Ben: **But Jack, we can't! It's not meant to be!

**Jack: **Keep holding on to our love, Ben.

**Ben: **I'll never let go Jack. **(How Titanic of me)**

**[The Ben/Ricky/Jack pairing. I invented that. I get bragging rights.]**

**Ben: **One two three four.

**Ricky: **Tell me that you love me more.

**Jack: **Sleepless long nights!

**Ricky: **That is what MY YOUTH was for!

**Ben: **Cause I'm burning up, burning up!

**Jack: **For you baby!

**[The Amy/Ashley pairing. How gross can people get?]**

**Amy: **We can do anything, Ashley.

**Ashley: **Like?

**Amy: **Watch hot movies at night.

**Ashley: **I have condoms.

**Amy: **Trust me, you won't need those where you're headed.

**[The Amy/Grace/Adrian pairing. This one gets out of hand.]**

**Amy: **Screw you!

**Adrian: **Screw me? Screw you!

**Amy: **I've already been screwed, screw you!

**Grace: **Oh, I can't do that, I'm abstinent!

**[Last, but definitely not least…the Henry/Ben pairing. This one freaks me out.]**

**Henry: **So…best friend…

**Ben: **Yes…best friend?

**Henry: **Want to become best boy friends?

**Ben: **Define the location.

**Henry: **Anywhere you can bend down.

**Ben: **Oh, that's easy. I'll take you to the showers.


	31. SLAT AWARDS!

**Ladies and gents, how are you today? I've been hit with an idea of genius and I'll stop at nothing to write it! People…mammals…aliens…I give you…the Secret Life Awards! Related only to the parody!**

**Why is my Life a Secret?**

**Narrator: **People, I am proud to present the Secret Life Awards! Here is our host, Ashley Juergens!

**Ashley: **Good evening! Amy was set to host, but she had to give birth, you know? She has a beautiful little boy named John Juergens. Hah, he sounds like he's going to rob a bank, huh? (crickets) Well…anyways…our first presenter is Ben!

**Ben: **Hello, hello! I'll be starting off with the Best in Bed Award! The nominees are…Max and Adrian for the baby shower sex scene, Ricky and Amy for the band camp sex scene that led to a baby, and Ricky and Adrian for various times. The winners are…RICKY AND ADRIAN!

**Ricky and Adrian walk on stage. They fight for the microphone.**

**Adrian: **This means so much to me! I'm so glad you guys think I'm the best in bed! Thank you, thank you so much!

**Ricky: **I knew I was going to win.

**Adrian: **Oh, please, you had no clue at all.

**Ricky glares at Adrian and they walk off stage with Ben.**

**Ashley: **Now that THAT'S over…I'm glad that didn't lead to something so small called John.

**Amy: **DEVILLLLLLLLL!

**Ashley: **I can hear you, Amy! I'm hosting, shut up! I'm calling up our next presenter, Lauren!

**Lauren: **From bad sex to really horrible sex, all these nominees have one thing in common: they are the worst in bed. The nominees for the Worst in Bed Award are…Jack and Shauna for the afternoon quickie, Henry and Alice for two horrible sex scenes, and Jack and Grace for committing sin. The winners are…HENRY AND ALICE!

**Henry and Alice run on stage.**

**Henry: **I like sex…maybe not with Alice…but I like sex. Girls, call me!

**Alice: **Stop soliciting, manwhore! I am so appalled to win this award, but it proves that Henry's equipment is SO SMALL that it took two times for me to notice it was there!

**Henry: **HEY!

**Lauren ushers Alice and Henry off stage.**

**Ashley: **That was…inspiring. Don't have sex kids, you'll get pregnant and die!

**Amy: **DEVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

**Ashley: **Condoms, man! USE THE PROTECTION!

**Ben gives the thumbs up.**

**Ashley: **Our next presenter is…Grace Bowman!

**Grace: **Hey to the people! I'm so happy to be here, I'm going to present the Most Likely to Get Pregnant award!

**All: **(ENTER RANDOM NAMES BEING SHOUTED)

**Grace: **The nominees are…Adrian for anytime she does it with Ricky, Amy, cause she's desperate now! And me, WHAT, ME? Whatever…the winner is…ME????? This is not accurate! I'm celibate now!

**Jake: **WHAT?

**Grace: **Shut up, Jack, that was one time! ONE TIME! ORAL SEX IS SEX!

**Jack: **Damn it, I'll take my award now for most likely to become a priest.

**Grace: **But, but, that's permanent celibacy!

**Jack: **Exactly! Don't do unto others as you'd have done unto yourself!

**Grace: **I'll remember that when I see Ricky!

**Jack: **AAAAAGHHHHHH!

**Ashley: **Well…I was going to call up Madison to present most likely to end up in prison, but I believe it's a tie between Grace and Jack! They win by default!

**Ricky: **Why is it that whenever people have arguments, MY NAME is mentioned? It doesn't matter if it has NOTHING to do with me, I'm still in there!

**Ashley: **Well then, maybe you should be a good boy!

**Ricky: **I'm leaving.

**Ashley: **Our next presenter is…Adrian Lee!

**Adrian: **That was interesting, but everything that happens here is interesting. I'm presenting the Most Likely to Get Bitch Slapped Award. Everyone knows who wins that…it's Amy!

**Amy: **What the hell, Adrian? THIS IS WHY I DON'T LIKE YOU!

**Adrian: **THIS IS WHY YOU'RE GONNA GET BITCH SLAPPED!

**Amy: **Let's take this outside, and I WILL SHOW YOU A BITCH SLAPPING!

**Ashley: **Security? WHY DON'T WE HAVE SECURITY?

**Griffin runs on stage.**

**Griffin: **I'm always the good guy.

**All: **WOOT, GAY BOY!

**Griffin: **That is some serious discrimination.

**Alexlovesgerard93: **I made the suggestion that they should have someone gay on the show!

**Griffin: **Oh, you did?

**Alexlovesgerard93: **Yeah, but the problem is…now that they do have someone gay on the show, I want you to hook up with Ashley!

**Griffin: **Oh brother.

**Ashley: **ANYWAYS!!!! The next presenter is Ricky Underwood!

**Silence.**

**Ashley: **Ricky?

**Kanye West: **Yo, Ashley, Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!

**Ashley: **What the HELL? RANDOM?

**Ricky: **That's it, let's take this outside! NO ONE INTERRUPTS MY HOMEGIRL!

**Ashley: **I'm someone's homegirl?

**Ricky: **Put up your hands, Kanye, I will put you on love lockdown for being so heartless!

**Ashley: **The Funniest Award goes to this moment…right now.

**Kanye West grabs the microphone. **

**Kanye West: **Thank you so much, I'm so-

**All: **YO KANYE, IMMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT GLEE HAD ONE OF THE BEST COVERS OF GOLD DIGGER OF ALL TIME!

**Kanye West: **Well…that was rude.

**Ashley: **Screw it…I'LL say the rest of the winners.

**All: **HUZZAH!

**Ashley: **The award for best earlobes goes to…wait, best earlobes? WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF?

**Alexlovesgerard93: **I do!

**Ashley: **THEY SUCK!

**Alexlovesgerard93: ***cries*

**Ashley: **It goes to my mom! Best earlobes! So strange…

**Anne rushes to stage, looking extremely pregnant.**

**Anne: **This is the award I didn't win for Sixteen Candles!

**All: **YAY!

**Anne: **Suck on that, Academy Awards!

**Ashley: **The best butt award goes to Jack!

**Grace: **It is rather shapely.

**Jack: **YES, I HAVE AN AWESOME BUTT!

**Ashley: **Now, YOU, the viewer can vote for THESE awards.

**Ricky: **Best Crossover Award! Was it with Twilight, the reader features, or the sex video guests?

**Ben: **The best name, FOR I AM BENJAMIN! Which name was the best, Benquo, Edward Cullen the dude from Twilight, God, Identity Crisis Boy, or Confused?

VOTE NOW!

**The story is not over, this is just for fun. Don't forget to vote!**


	32. Catching Up with Irony

**When SLAT went on a hiatus, so did I, but I'm back and loaded with far more ammo than before! The ridiculous-ness of the show how grown and I have a lot to evolve from. Enjoy!**

**Love, Alex**

**Why is my life a secret?**

**Narrator: **Previously on The O.C.…

**Amy: **Hey! Wrong show!

**Narrator: **Sorry, I get the shows with too many troubled teens confused.

**Amy: **Whatever, just…do it again.

**Narrator: **Previously on 16 and Pregnant…

**Amy: **What the hell, lady? I'm not pregnant anymore!

**Narrator: **Right! Right… Previously on The Secret Life on the American Teenager…

(On the beach.)

**Ricky: **I like sex.

**Adrian: **I like sex, too.

**Ricky: **Let's HAVE sex.

**Adrian: **Ricky, I may have been a whore in the first season, but now I'm trying to redeem myself and you should do that too.

**Ricky: **Why would I want to do that?

**Adrian: **Cause you're the two faced player, and just when everyone starts to like you because you've 'changed', you mess everything up again.

**Ricky: **…true.

**Maria (Ben's Italian girlfriend): **BENITOOOOOOOOOOO! (can you believe it? Just when I thought the names I gave him were bad, they pull this one!)

**Adrian: **Humph. Would you look at that? Twelve teenagers skip school and go unnoticed to the beach and by some irony, out of all the beaches in California, Ben's Italian girlfriend comes to this one.

**Ricky: **I swear to God, the next twist on this show will be mindreading.

**Edward Cullen: **No, no, no. They can't take my job.

**Adrian: **Look on the bright side, Cullen. We don't sparkle, and we're not vampires.

**Ricky: **Yeah, we've got just about everything else in common with you.

**Edward Cullen: **All of you are corrupt. I'm 109 year old virgin.

**Adrian: **You should try to get with Ashley and Griffin…at the same time. They're the only virgins left, and it's going to be a while before we get to screw them over.

**Edward Cullen: **I'll be right back. I've got some dazzling to do.

(Grace's house.)

**Jack: **I knew you were cheating on me!

**Grace: **Oh?

**Jack: **You should be condemned!

**Grace: **If I should be condemned for using a vibrator, then you better give up both your hands and the lubricant, Jackie Boy.

**Jack: **…I'll be leaving now.

(Ashley's room.)

**Ashley: **Are you sure you're gay?

**Griffin: **What the hell? They finally add a gay character to the show, not including Jack, and you want to convert me? In my opinion, there is way too much sexual tension between you and I.

**Ashley: **Well…we ARE having a sleepover.

**Griffin: **Your point?

**Ashley: **Get in bed, hot stuff, and I can make you straight.

**Griffin: **…I'm frightened.

(Adrian's house.)

**Zoe (the girl Ricky took to his apartment): **I had sex with your boyfriend.

**Adrian: **MOTHERFU--!

(…what should have happened…)

**Adrian: **Ricky, I don't want to have sex until I'm ready.

**Ricky: **All right, Adrian, I completely understand that, but in the meantime, I'm a nymphomaniac, so I may need to quench my thirst once in a while with a cheap hooker and I might develop a sexually transmitted disease, but I'll always love you more and scream your name when I'm banging other girls.

**Adrian: **Oh, Ricky!

**Maria: **BENITOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Ben: **Hey, Maria, I know we had a lot of sex back in Italy, but here in America, I'd like to remain the innocent stereotypical boyfriend of a sixteen year old mother, but receive some hot sex on the side.

**Maria: **Okay, Benito, go, go, go!

**Jack: **Grace, are you cheating on me?

**Grace: **With myself, by myself, and Mr. Vibrator.

**Jack: **I'm going to go home and masturbate at the thought of you masturbating.

**Grace: **I'll go masturbate too!

**Zoe: **I had sex with Ricky.

**Adrian: **Have sex with this. (kills Zoe with large gun.)

**MWAHAHAHA!**


End file.
